Mommy Confession

I have a confession.

I’m sick of being a stay at home mom.

There. I said it.

I have been unbelievably lucky to have had the ability to stay home with Alex for the past 17-and-counting months. If I hadn’t had such an amazing support network I would have had to forgo finishing my Smith degree, find a crappy job, and send Alex to a crappy daycare. I would have had to wait, who knows how long, to be able to start a real career. I wouldn’t have been able to finish my last few prerequisites in order to go to nursing school. Truly, this has been a marvelous experience. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

But I am ready for it to be over.

One of the reasons I have become so quiet on my blog is that I have been struggling. Struggling every day with Alex. As much as I love the kid, we are having more bad days than good lately. He is a toddler; full force, screaming, hissy fits, nonstop terror, toddler.

He fights me over everything. He is insisting on his independence, while at the same time still being too young to do most things himself. If these are the terrible twos, I’m horrified for what happens at three.

I am ready to have someone else watch him from 9-5 every day. I am ready to see the smile on his face when he sees me at the end of being away from me all day. I am ready to not be kicked, slapped, scratched and bit multiple times a day. Do you see all of his teeth? They hurt.

I was prepared for some level of terror. I knew that if I was the one with him all day every day, he would act out the most with me. It was natural. And I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, so I was prepared. My desire to be a stay at home was not because I had anything against the idea of having a career, or because I didn’t have any out-of-home related passions, but because I love kids. And I love Alex more than anything in the entire world. But I think he is ready to move on to the next chapter of his life, too.

To make the transition, Alex is now attending a small home day care once a week. Every Tuesday morning, I drop him off at 9 and pick him up at noon. He is with five other children, ranging from one to four in age. He loves it.

When I picked him up today, he said, “Hi, Mama!” with a huge smile on his face. He was thrilled to see me, and I was unbelievably excited to see him. My morning was spent reading blogs and drinking tea (although I should have been studying), and his was spent learning and growing with other children.

We are ready for a new phase.

Alex eating banana

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16 thoughts on “Mommy Confession

  1. *applauds*

    I have been on both sides of the fence, and I can tell you that the side that has me working is the one that makes Alexis the most happy. It also helps me remember to focus on enjoying her when I do have her around. It’s our “balance,” and not everyone is the same. Good for you for being willing to adjust your “balance” as he grows up.

  2. I appreciate your honesty. I personally think being a stay at home mom is a really hard job. There are days that I am sick of it too! I’m glad to hear that both you and Alex are enjoying your morning apart. When do you start nursing school?

  3. This seems like an exciting time, and definitely one for major growth. Here’s to your quiet mornings with tea and Alex’s making new friends!

  4. I’m impressed. I hit that wall when Opening Act #1 was four months old.

    Sometimes, being a better mother means engineering breaks. Don’t feel guilty. Be proud of yourself — you’re teaching Alex to be independent, to make new friends, and that it’s okay to be with grownups who aren’t Mom and Dad. This will be helpful when he’s in preschool and he’s leaving you at the door while other kids are crying and clinging and causing their moms no end of stress and guilt.

  5. Maybe Alex just NEEDS that, to spend more time in a place where he is with other little kids. He’s just a social little dude! 😉

  6. OH I KNOW. I am home 3 days a week with Maggie, and THAT IS ENOUGH. Summer is easier because we can get outside and do things, but this winter has been hard. I am just not built for staying at home with kids 24/7, I need to have tasks and get another kind of fulfillment as well.

    I LOVE Maggie and I do enjoy (most) of the days we have at home together… but I also know that we BOTH look forward to daycare days 🙂 She loves it there, and I think honestly, she gets bored with me sometimes. When I don’t have the energy to be Fun Mom, she’s ready for Daddy to get home, or for one of her daycare teachers to be Fun Lady!

    I’m struggling now with the impending Second Child Plan. Paying for 2 kids in daycare twice a week might make me working not worth it… but I NEED to work. So we’re trying to figure out some magical plan to make that happen, heh. Cloning, perhaps? 😉 hehe

  7. It’s the hardest thing for a mommy to admit….so I know this was a struggle for you … the guilt … the doubt … the feeling of inadaquacy. But don’t put yourself through all that …

    I need my time at work. I am happier to see them and this is a tough age for most mommies … the independence is kicking in.

    I was INSANE – I had a three and a two; then a three and a four … UGH! Two’s are tough, three’s … well, I’m not going to ruin it for ya.

    This time of day I miss them so very much I just can’t wait to see them….and it’s a VERY GOOD THING!

    Good luck to you – you deserve all of the very best!

    Take care of that cold/flu too.

  8. Oh my. Didn’t mean that at all. All of my insecurities and guilt are out there. There is a lot of mommy guilt in my family. Passed down by generations.

  9. I think you’re doing a great job with balancing Alex’s needs and your own! It’s a tough, thankless task, and you feel guilt either way (OMG, I don’t spend enough time with my kid! OMG, I’m not doing anything with my education!).

    I’m so glad Alex loved his time at daycare, and that you survived it as well. 🙂

  10. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. People grow and change, and what was ideal for both of you a few short months ago might not always be ideal for you a few short months from now. If this new arrangement works out best then all the power to you and well done you for recognizing in yourself and in your son that this was the right choice for both of you! =)

  11. Just the fact that he was happy to see you is an indication that the time away was good for both of you. 🙂 You can’t be a good mom if you’re feeling drained. Breaks are a good thing! Find a local MOPS program if you can. They’re awesome!

  12. Good for you. It’s good you know this, and it’s good you’re not agonizing over it or beating yourself up about it. I know I have been a much better mommy to my girls since I returned to full-time work a year ago. I think it’s awesome to be able to stay home when they are very young (say up to 6, 8 months), and I actually hope to be a WAHM again when they are in grade school or middle/high school. Sometimes, I think if I could make enough money only working part-time, it would be great to be home with them a couple more days. But it is what it is, and I think everyone is much better off in our current set-up.

    You and Alex will find your way through this too. You are teaching him to be independent, and you are re-learning how to be YOU out in the world, not just mommy-you.

    Also, I love the new look!

    ciao,
    rpm

  13. Props to you for this decision, and props for being a stay-at-home-mom!

    While I miss Evan terribly when I am at work, and wish we could afford for me to stay home, when I had November and December unemployed and home with the toddler, I was pulling my hair out and finding some way to be somewhere other than home as often as possible!

    Good luck!

  14. Allison, I’ve been meaning to comment on this particular post for a while but couldn’t come up with any sage words of advice. I’ve been a working mom since my children were infants and generally that has been a good choice for me. Ironically, though, I feel stronger about staying home NOW at this point in motherhood than I did at the time my kids were young. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective — about how fast or slow time seems to go by, and about what makes you happy. The only thing I’ll say is that we all hopefully do the best we can for our kids, but there is nothing wrong for wanting a change for you AND him…or for someone wanting her situation to stay the same. Women are our own worst enemies, so do what’s right for you. No guilt, no confessions needed because you are raising a healthy, happy boy!

  15. Oh, and to echo what many have written above, my kids are doing fantastic. Again, I think the happier the parent in his/her choices, the happier your child will be, too.

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