I confessed recently. I admitted to being sick of being a stay at home mom.
But now I have another confession: I’m scared to death of not being a stay at home mom.
As hard as it can be as Alex’s number one, I can’t even fathom what it will be like to not be his number one. The thought of not being the person who takes care of him the most horrifies me.
Starting at the very end of August, Alex will be attending daycare full time. He will go in every morning and spend all day with his daycare provider. Zach will likely be the one taking him in most, if not all, mornings, and Zach will be the one picking him up most, if not all, evenings.
Two days a week I will have to be in clinical starting at seven in the morning. Seven! That means I will be out of the house before Alex even wakes up in the morning. Two evenings a week I will be in classes and labs until 7 at night. That means that I will likely not be home before Alex goes to sleep at night.
And then? And then there is the fact that I will be a crazy full time student. Not just a full time student, but crazy full time. This program is intense: getting a (second) bachelor’s degree in one year has to be. The studying that I will have to do is going to drain every second of every minute of almost every day that I am not actively in class, lab, or clinical.
All of this is scary enough on it’s own, but then throw on top of that the fact that I will not be Alex’s number one? I’m freaking out.
When it’s time for cuddling before bed, he won’t ask to cuddle with me. When he wakes up during the night he isn’t going to call for Mommy. When he wakes up in the morning he isn’t going to say, “No! I want Mommy!” When he falls and hurts himself, he won’t want me to comfort him. I won’t be his number one.
I’m not scared that other people are going to be taking care of him. I have complete trust in Alex’s daycare and more than complete trust in Zach. Alex will be well taken care of. It just… won’t be by me.
I am petrified.