Mommy Confession Part II

I confessed recently. I admitted to being sick of being a stay at home mom.

But now I have another confession: I’m scared to death of not being a stay at home mom.

As hard as it can be as Alex’s number one, I can’t even fathom what it will be like to not be his number one. The thought of not being the person who takes care of him the most horrifies me.

Starting at the very end of August, Alex will be attending daycare full time. He will go in every morning and spend all day with his daycare provider. Zach will likely be the one taking him in most, if not all, mornings, and Zach will be the one picking him up most, if not all, evenings.

Two days a week I will have to be in clinical starting at seven in the morning. Seven! That means I will be out of the house before Alex even wakes up in the morning. Two evenings a week I will be in classes and labs until 7 at night. That means that I will likely not be home before Alex goes to sleep at night.

And then? And then there is the fact that I will be a crazy full time student. Not just a full time student, but crazy full time. This program is intense: getting a (second) bachelor’s degree in one year has to be. The studying that I will have to do is going to drain every second of every minute of almost every day that I am not actively in class, lab, or clinical.

All of this is scary enough on it’s own, but then throw on top of that the fact that I will not be Alex’s number one? I’m freaking out.

When it’s time for cuddling before bed, he won’t ask to cuddle with me. When he wakes up during the night he isn’t going to call for Mommy. When he wakes up in the morning he isn’t going to say, “No! I want Mommy!” When he falls and hurts himself, he won’t want me to comfort him. I won’t be his number one.

I’m not scared that other people are going to be taking care of him. I have complete trust in Alex’s daycare and more than complete trust in Zach. Alex will be well taken care of. It just… won’t be by me.

I am petrified.


13 thoughts on “Mommy Confession Part II

  1. I felt exactly the same way when I went from being home with Eleanor to leaving her with a nanny all day, five days a week, last summer (and then in the fall when she switched to daycare). You probably won’t believe me until you see it yourself but you will still be number one for Alex. Always. Kids really do know the difference between parents and caregivers, even ones as young as Alex. No one will ever replace you in his eyes. No one.

  2. ::hugs::

    i wish i knew a solution. i’ve been crying over this since peanut was 8 weeks old…

  3. Oh, honey, it’ll be okay. Just the fact that you are worried about this shows how very much you love him.

    What you are doing is short term, and for the betterment of your family. Try to keep that in the forefront of your mind, especially when things are crazy stressful.

    And, what ClumberKim said: You will always be number one. Believe me. My girls have been in daycare full time for over a year now and — excepting those times when they have unlimited access to DearDR, which ain’t often — I am still Numero Uno.


  4. I was home with Heidi for her first 18 months. I worked PT a few hours per week during that time, but for the most part I was home with her. When I got my full time job (CAREER IN MY FIELD!!!) although I was extremely excited, I cried in the bathtub for two weeks straight thinking of leaving Heidi in the care of someone else.

    I know how you feel.

    Fortunately, I found someone who’s like a second mom to her – and treats her VERY WELL. She’s a SAHM with her own 2 kids so Heidi gets one-on-one attention when her kids are in school. Worked out great.

    Unfortunately, although I know Heidi still adores me, I’ve discovered that I am the one person she treats the WORST at times. She just doesn’t LISTEN to me. 😦 But I don’t think that has much to do with the daycare situation. More than likely it’s just that I’m the one person who she knows loves her the most, and therefore thinks she can get away with more.

    1. Oh, yes, I hear you on the “worst behavior for mommy”. Like ClumberKim said, they act that way because they know you will still love them. Other people they are unsure of, but YOU — the mom — no matter how hard they push, you will love them. This is why time outs were invented. For you and them.

      And I’m kind of reassured that I am not the only one who has children who DO NOT LISTEN. I’ve had their hearing tested; I know it’s fine. but they do not hear the mommy voice. makes me insane.


  5. aw it’s totally okay to be scared, but you’ll adjust, and so will he. And just know that no matter what, you WILL still be his number one πŸ™‚ It’s only temporary, and he’s already had all of this wonderful time with you, I’m sure he won’t forget you πŸ˜‰

  6. Newluv: I don’t think your daughter behaves that way because she thinks she gets away with more. My son used to become a holy terror the minute I arrived to pick him up at day care, after being an angel all day. I think it is a matter of kids working so hard to hold it all together in day care that when they are with the person who loves them most, they let out everything they have been holding back, knowing you will still love them regardless of they act. It means the message that you love her unconditionally has gotten through. It’s hard, but there is a silver lining.

  7. There are days I hate being a full-time working mom, but then there are days (like those tantrum days) that I’m glad I can leave them in the care of capable people and go earn a living so that they can eventually go to college or more easily afford food and clothing. And although Justin is still #1 for Gavin (he’s ALWAYS been a daddy’s boy), he still asks if I can stay home and he’d rather be with me than at daycare (I’m still Cooper’s #1)
    Both of my boys have been in daycare since they were 7 and 8 weeks old, respectively, and are still thrilled to see me, whether it’s when I pick them up, or when I come home to them. You will always be his mommy and until he’s a teen, you will always be his #1. πŸ™‚

  8. Alison, I’m with everyone else here, especially Colleen, because my kids have been in daycare full time since they were 10 weeks old. They’ve always known I’m their mom. And they still like me after being with all those other great people all day long! πŸ™‚

    It’s okay to feel nervous about it. It will be okay. You are setting a great example for him, too, btw.

  9. We were lucky to both be working from home when Juliana was born so we juggled her time and kept her at home until she was 7 months old, and I knew it was time – too much effort to keep her home, she needed more attentoin, and she needed to be spending time with other kids. But I still cried all day and was sick her first day…and struggled to make it to 5:00.

    Now there are Saturdays, when at noon I am wishing it were a “school day” because she is driving me crazy.

    Like others have said, you will always be #1 no matter who she is spending time with during the day. When I am in the office, I leave before she wakes up and sometimes don’t get home until after bed that night. But I am always the person that Juliana wants when I am here.

    Make the most of the time that you do have and focus on why you are doing this.

  10. I feel really bad for you moms in the USA. It would BREAK MY HEART TO PIECES to leave an 8-12 week old baby in the care of someone else.

    Very lucky in Canada, I guess – with a 1 year mat leave. Though, this is only a recent thing for us – my mom’s generation only got 4 months mat leave.

  11. We are right there with you… and it breaks my heart to not get to be the one spending as much time with her but my hubby does do a wonderful job. Still, we’ve started talking about him getting at least a part time job and it is scary thinking of other people watching my kid. I think it will be good for her though because she seems to crave social events so maybe it will be the same for Alex?

  12. I can’t imagine how hard that will be but it won’t be forever and he will be with people who you trust and who love him. Even though you won’t be the one spending the most time with him there is still no one like mommy! You better tell Zach to take lots of pictures while you are so busy!

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