I’ve been blogging to some extent for over fifteen years now. I had a very early LiveJournal, then my own website/blog a few years later, and then, when Alex was about 6 months old, I started this ol’ thing here. Allison Says, because I wanted to say things, and writing things is one way to do that. It was a way to connect with other local moms, of which I knew approximately zero, a way to share with far away friends and family, and maybe most importantly it was a way for me to put my thoughts and feelings out there.
Thoughts and feelings aren’t my forte. Well, thoughts are certainly in my wheelhouse, and feelings usually come with those thoughts, but sharing them? Not so much. At least, not about me. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I’m particularly ashamed of. It’s just how I am. If we’re close and you ask me my feelings about something? I will tell you. But the chances of me coming out on my own, without a prompt, are slim to none. Those thoughts and feelings stay where my brain and self think they belong: buried inside.
But I shared things. I shared our struggle to finish college, which we both did, and then I went and got a second degree. I shared my concern about Alex’s language development. I shared our sleep struggles. I shared when he was finally potty trained (thanks, Zach!). The world knew about me going back to school to get a degree in nursing, when I got my first job, when Alex started Kindergarten. But then the regular business turned into general laziness, and even when I found time to blog I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. Allison Says not a lot.
Alex is nearly eight years old (::gasp::!) and it’s harder to decide what to write about. How much privacy do we need? Zach and I differ a bit on our opinions on this, with me leaning more towards sharing, oddly enough. So, do I write about my concerns related to Alex’s reading, his dislike of school, his fear of trying new things? Do I share my worry that he’s picked on, and that he has perfectionist tendencies? Or do I just show the good stuff and brag about how awesome our life is? Because it is awesome, regardless of concerns.
Do I continue to try to write and share things that I really mean, events that really hit home for me? Do I go back to writing slightly more polarizing posts that aren’t 100% about Alex? Do I want to share our happiness and our sadness with the world? And if so, which I think I do as I sit here and recap our lives through blogging, how do I do it again? And how do I keep it within what is acceptable for a growing child who has opinions and wants privacy?
How do I continue to use this space? Keep it as is, very rarely posting anything of “value”? Try to give myself the time to actually write something? Try to share more of our lives, both good and bad?
This Space has been something for me. It helped me make friends. It helped me stay sane. It shared our lives, however little I put here, with distant relatives. It’s too important to throw away, but it’s been so neglected for so long. Maybe all of this ruminating, this stream of consciousness writing, will set off what I need to make it a more “useful” space. I want to remember these times.