Mommy Confession Part II

I confessed recently. I admitted to being sick of being a stay at home mom.

But now I have another confession: I’m scared to death of not being a stay at home mom.

As hard as it can be as Alex’s number one, I can’t even fathom what it will be like to not be his number one. The thought of not being the person who takes care of him the most horrifies me.

Starting at the very end of August, Alex will be attending daycare full time. He will go in every morning and spend all day with his daycare provider. Zach will likely be the one taking him in most, if not all, mornings, and Zach will be the one picking him up most, if not all, evenings.

Two days a week I will have to be in clinical starting at seven in the morning. Seven! That means I will be out of the house before Alex even wakes up in the morning. Two evenings a week I will be in classes and labs until 7 at night. That means that I will likely not be home before Alex goes to sleep at night.

And then? And then there is the fact that I will be a crazy full time student. Not just a full time student, but crazy full time. This program is intense: getting a (second) bachelor’s degree in one year has to be. The studying that I will have to do is going to drain every second of every minute of almost every day that I am not actively in class, lab, or clinical.

All of this is scary enough on it’s own, but then throw on top of that the fact that I will not be Alex’s number one? I’m freaking out.

When it’s time for cuddling before bed, he won’t ask to cuddle with me. When he wakes up during the night he isn’t going to call for Mommy. When he wakes up in the morning he isn’t going to say, “No! I want Mommy!” When he falls and hurts himself, he won’t want me to comfort him. I won’t be his number one.

I’m not scared that other people are going to be taking care of him. I have complete trust in Alex’s daycare and more than complete trust in Zach. Alex will be well taken care of. It just… won’t be by me.

I am petrified.



Mommy Confession

I have a confession.

I’m sick of being a stay at home mom.

There. I said it.

I have been unbelievably lucky to have had the ability to stay home with Alex for the past 17-and-counting months. If I hadn’t had such an amazing support network I would have had to forgo finishing my Smith degree, find a crappy job, and send Alex to a crappy daycare. I would have had to wait, who knows how long, to be able to start a real career. I wouldn’t have been able to finish my last few prerequisites in order to go to nursing school. Truly, this has been a marvelous experience. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

But I am ready for it to be over.

One of the reasons I have become so quiet on my blog is that I have been struggling. Struggling every day with Alex. As much as I love the kid, we are having more bad days than good lately. He is a toddler; full force, screaming, hissy fits, nonstop terror, toddler.

He fights me over everything. He is insisting on his independence, while at the same time still being too young to do most things himself. If these are the terrible twos, I’m horrified for what happens at three.

I am ready to have someone else watch him from 9-5 every day. I am ready to see the smile on his face when he sees me at the end of being away from me all day. I am ready to not be kicked, slapped, scratched and bit multiple times a day. Do you see all of his teeth? They hurt.

I was prepared for some level of terror. I knew that if I was the one with him all day every day, he would act out the most with me. It was natural. And I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, so I was prepared. My desire to be a stay at home was not because I had anything against the idea of having a career, or because I didn’t have any out-of-home related passions, but because I love kids. And I love Alex more than anything in the entire world. But I think he is ready to move on to the next chapter of his life, too.

To make the transition, Alex is now attending a small home day care once a week. Every Tuesday morning, I drop him off at 9 and pick him up at noon. He is with five other children, ranging from one to four in age. He loves it.

When I picked him up today, he said, “Hi, Mama!” with a huge smile on his face. He was thrilled to see me, and I was unbelievably excited to see him. My morning was spent reading blogs and drinking tea (although I should have been studying), and his was spent learning and growing with other children.

We are ready for a new phase.

Alex eating banana